Woman gives ‘perpetually busy’ friend a taste of her own medicine after she fails to make an effort in their 12-year relationship, friend tries to flip the script: ‘I'll pass’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Nov 21, 2024 10:00 PM EST

At what point do you give up on a long-term friendship? That's the million-dollar question as you learn and grow further into adulthood. What you would've excused years ago is now a non-negotiable no and meaningful bonds turn into distant memories. Your job is to differentiate what is and is not excusable behavior and learn what works for you in your friendships across the board.

In this next story, a woman is coming to terms with the fact that her 12-year friendship is not the way it used to be. Many factors are at play, such as starting families and moving states and countries because of life. However, the changes that occur throughout our lives should not completely dictate our bonds—especially one that has survived 12 long years already. 

The woman has given up trying to make things work with her "perpetually busy friend", who she claims is not really all that busy. Once the woman gives this friend a taste of her own medicine, the friend tries to flip the script and claim the woman is at fault for their rift. That's not how it works…

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  • 01
    So to cut a long story short, I decided this means she's just not interested and trying to tell me nicely. I mean...how else am I supposed to take barely answering me, and if so mostly just to remind me for the millionth time of just
    via Unsplash+ (Galina Nelyubova)
  • 02
    AITA for telling my friend she can get back in touch when she stops being perpetually busy?
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 03
    So, long story short: I've had it with one of my friends. We've known each other for about 12 years (met at uni, now we're mid-30s). She's the "permanently busy" type. - if you know, you know.
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 04
    Always doing something, can't be alone with her thoughts for one second, hyper-extroverted, etc. She's a nice person but that pattern of compulsive "busy-ness" got on my nerves from
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  • 05
    the start. Like...after we graduated she worked part-time. That's it. For extra money she let out the other three bedrooms in her house. No kids, no dogs, no serious partners, no ailing relatives. And despite
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 06
    working maximum 2-3 days a week from 8 to 3, she was almost impossible to get a hold of. I lived 30 minutes away ON FOOT and we'd still see each other every 3-4 months at best. And every time, the spiel was
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 07
    "I know it's been ages but I'm just so BUSY!". A few years ago I moved so we're now in different countries. I tried to stay in touch via WhatsApp but even that's been falling apart. Over the lockdown
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  • 08
    she got married and had two kids. So you can imagine how hard she is to get a hold of now that she actually has responsibilities and isn't just busy being busy. So for the past year now
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  • 09
    our interactions have dwindled down to me sending her life updates and asking about hers...and her getting back weeks later if I'm lucky, months later or not at all if I'm not, with a generic "so sorry, been
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 10
    so busy but you're in my thoughts, how are you x". Meanwhile she's still pretty active on social media and regularly posting about all the fun things she gets up to with all those other people.
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 11
    So to cut a long story short, I decided this means she's just not interested and trying to tell me nicely. I mean...how else am I supposed to take barely answering me, and if so mostly just to remind me
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 12
    for the millionth time of just how BUSY she is, while simultaneously showing off all the things and people she *does* miraculously find the time for? Now here's the kicker. She messaged me about
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 13
    three months after my last message, once again with a generic "so sorry, so busy, how are u ". And I chose not to respond because I'm over it. A month later (last week) it was my birthday, and she sent a birthday
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 14
    message and sounded quite upset I hadn't responded to the previous one. I responded by telling her what I said in the title: "What's the point of messaging you anyway, when I already know how
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 15
    it's gonna go? I'll pass. Let me know if you ever get less permanently busy and can keep in touch on a more substantial level than getting back to me months later just to remind me of how busy you are".
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 16
    I heard through the grapevine (mutual friends/acquaintances) that she's upset at how I talked to her. But I don't think I'm in the wrong here. Am I obligated to keep making an effort for someone who just can't
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 17
    or won't reciprocate? And FFS - isn't it bizarre to get upset when someone you clearly don't care enough about to make an effort to include in your life, lets go? ETA: "update" in the comments.
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 18
    Anteatereatingant OP • 2h ago Woah, so this has been a learning experience. Thank you all for your perspectives; I didn't expect this to blow up like that. I'll try to respond to everyone but it could be tricky with how fast the comments are pouring in and my not-so-great attention span (ironic, in a post where I'm about someone being 'busy', huh?).
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 19
    So the main things I took away, were 1. I should address issues like that more head-on and earlier, before they fester into a whole ugly feelings-bomb. 2. I did, in fact, feel some contempt (for her constant talking of how busy she is, when most of it was self-selected; it felt like a martyr act) and envy (for how I was constantly prioritized below
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 20
    other things), pain (for being called 'friend' while not being given what I would consider the friend treatment, like space in someone's life) and resentment (for feeling like I'm being treated like an idiot who somehow can't tell "I'm sooo busy!" followed by 17 Tiktoks is just code for "I'm not that bothered").
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 21
    3. A friendship that has any significant of contempt, resentment, envy, anger, or any other negative feeling is not the look when you're in your 30s. 4. I am still pretty harsh even when (in my perception) I'm pulling my punches. And if so many other people see that, I guess it's more likely that I really do have more aggression than I think, than that they all are overreacting.
    via Anteatereatingant
  • 22
    5. Many people on Reddit can't read There were a lot of insightful comments and questions that made me think hard about myself...but there were also plenty that completely missed the point and/or put words in my mouth. Thank you all!
    via Anteatereatingant

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